My daily life... blegh...

Every single day, i wake up with the same thing in my mind.. Getting through the day and moving forward. Many people have different reasons of downfalls. Teachers, country, environment, friends and blah blah blah.... Mine... well.. hahaha.. you don't need to know.

Anywho, after years of being ridiculed, abused with hurtful words and despitful thoughts, i have learnt of one thing that has so far worked in my life. That thing is called 'grin and bear it'. Everyday i pray that she doesn't not open her mouth and talk because everytime she does, nothing good comes out. It hurts to know someone so close, living in the same house could say such stuff.. I know i did crap in the past, but honestly, it would not become such a big and painful issue if she just let the nature of every teenage life run its course. She made into a laughing stock, a joke, a failure that everyone shall forever remember.

Oh how i wish time would go faster so i would be out of this rot hole.. I'm not spiteful but living under such circumstances pains me. Anyway, by just following orders and doing what i've been told without any rejection works. The fact that i just smile, put it aside as just empty my hatred and anger in my works greatly. Many people ask me, how do you live like that, well... Thats just what makes me who i am. Forget quickly and move on.

I take it like a training that im undergoing to enter life... I know i sound naive and insolent when i say it. But i honestly wanna quickly finish my studies, get a job and live on my own rather than the house that i live in.. I love my family... I really do.. But because that one person... I really cannot live there any longer.... Constantly putting me down, running me to the ground with her words of hatred and anger, claiming that it is from God. I really can't take it... The worse part is that person is always using the word of God not to bring my spirits up and bring me closer to God, but she is actually using these words to insult me, my intelligence, my actions, my thoughts and me as a human being. Im sick of it.. Im sick and tired of it. God is about love.. Not about rituals, followings and immoral followings. Her usage of the old testament and adaptation of it to life is redundant...

Since the beginnning of high school she has become the sole reason of my pain and torture in life. And recently she has condemned that every relationship i go into shall crumble.. Even the one i have now, which we have not done anything wrong. Calling and texting is normal. Just because she doesn't not like it and does not think that it is appropriate to date at this age doesn't mean i have to cut communications and forget. 

I am at an age where i am old enough to make my own decisions and heck, many others in different part of the world are already married and having kids. What is so wrong about having a girlfriend at an age of 19 that i don't even see her because she's in another part of the world? I might be right, i might be wrong. But the fact that she doesn't even let me speak my mind nor respects my decision as her own son and give never take my opinion to account for just beause she despises me just because it doesn't correspond to hers it just pure insolence... I am definitely the runt of the litter. 

I still have responsibilities in the family, i have 3 other younger ones i have to take care of. Not only that, i do the chores and make sure that the house is at its tip top condition while she just sleeps in her room day and night meditating while claiming that she is the reason why we are not in the streets.

There is no way i can express the frustration and pain i live with every single day... So i will continue grinning and bearing it, knowing that my God watches over me no matter what... He is my God and i know he is always around me.

The Heart

Pain agonising in my heart,
Burns with flames of blue,
With people around me talking,
I do not know what is true.

The wants in life is big,
The need is always small,
My heart just needs love,
But even that is hard by far.

Hurts when you are ignored,
Hurts when you are betrayed,
Hurts when you let it be,
But that only happens to me.

Let me be and let die,
I do not need anything else in life,
No one understands whats in my heart,
Nobody bothers as much.

Hell, whats going on here,
I thought the pain ended long ago,
It seems that i have to either live it with it,
Or altogether let it go.

Accused of being 'smart',
By someone that is so close,
The one who went through labour,
The give you life at most.

Today was a day i would forget,
Cause today hurts like before,
Can anyone save me from this world,
Or give me a reason to live at most.

This heart is weak it cant go no further,
Needs a place to rest at least,
But what if its place of sanctuary is no more,
Then it will never be at rest.

I hope its only today,
not the days to come,
The positives of life is running low in me,
I'll be gone very soon.

My love for you is  undying, just that my body is dying...
The feeling of physical pain is no more, only mental pain remains,
Deep in my head and in my heart it burns like a thousand crimsons,
Only you can save me form this treachery, only you can close the wounds.

It is not a complained nor is it  plea to leave,
This is a content of a soul which is empty like the house it lives in,
Please don't leave me i beg you not, i really want you to stay,
Please spare a thought for me sometimes, appreciated by it will be.

Never to force but to always wait and hope you make the decision,
For the sake of not me but us cause thats what i've always dreamed.