Boredom, test, camp, competition

For the whole freaking miserable day from morning till now im still at the immigration dept.. And most probably gonna continue staying here till 8pm.. Gosh.. 

Anywho.. My speaking test for muet is tomorrow. For those who dont know, its basically IELTS/TOEFL except its malaysian level. I have no fear of failing because its nearly jmpossible to fail it >< the problem is ny teachers expectation of achieving the highest grade of band 6 which only out of the 100,000s of students in malaysia only 100 and less gets. Not only that im still not mentally prepared for it.. My mind is still all over the place. The determination for studies come and go like the rain in this city ><

These past cpl days have okay so far, nothing bad happened yet. Going to camp from the 5-7 july. Well most probably i guess. Then after that i'll be competing in an inter form 6 games with other school participants. Still unsure wheter to go for volleyball or futsal. Im ok for both but i guess im just going to enjoy myself :) get a cpl of broken bones, sprains and aches to ease my emotional pain. Hahaha. Im kidding ;). 

Well god bless to everyone and god bless bunnies.

P.S I Still Love You

Carrot

Meet Bunny Stinson

Meet bunny stinson.. He is the reason why i can sleep at night.. The reason why my tears stopped dropping.. Because when whenever it drops, he is there to catch it...

Yeah yeah he might be dating my stuff bear taffi, >< but he is the reason why i am still able to go to bed, close my eyes and drift away.. Thanks for being there bud. Mighty appreciated ;)

(yes i still sleep with my stuff animals)

P.S. I Still Love You

Muet test... ****

4 words to explain what i am feeling and whats going on in my life now.

1. Under appreciated

2. F**king Hell

Too much pressure.. Mentally not strong enough to face it.. 3 days left.. Monday hope im good and ready...

Ghost of my past (she who should not be named)

'Hey mr, may i take your order?'

'Yea, i would like a regular popcorn combo 1 please.'

'Hold on just a sec, be right back'

As i waited for my order to be served, with money ready in my hands. A familiar voice ringed in my ear.... Sense of curiosity and fear strike... Turning my head to the right, seeing a figurine that was horrifyingly similar.. Blood rushed through my veins as my heart pumps faster by the second..

A couple was at the next counter, male unfamiliar but the female made my heart stopped. Time seemed to slow down.. Memories flooded my head, the pain.. The agony.. The torture... The cheat...

Everything went blur... Sweat rolled from my forehead to my chin, dropping onto the counter.. Feet started trembling.. Mind started fading.. Her face became clearer and clearer.. The face i once knew bt nw scars my mind like a dagger that cut through my flesh... The face i hated.. The face that cheated..

Feet glued to the ground.. Heart beating faster by the minute.. Part of me wanted to get the fuck out of there, part of me wanted to shove my fist into the back of her skull... The girl i once thought would never lie and never cheat, had been doing it from the start...

.....

.....

.....

Time stopped.... Electricity of pain seared through my whole being... Flames of crimson burn on every inch of my skin...slowly i felt like i was being sucjed into a black hole of no return.

'Here you go, that'll be 9.90'

'Oh. Sorry... Here you go'

It wasn't her... Amazingly similar.. But it wasn't her... 

'Thank you and have a nice day'

'You too' smiles :)

Date : 27/6/2013 9.55pm

Fuck life.. Seriously... Fuck it

P.S. I still love you.

Carrot

Im not worth it

Spanning from 2007... Been in and out of relationships. Every one of them turned sour.. But i realised on thing that always happens.. They always found someone else.. Question to myself, am i really such a bad person? Am i really not worth it?

They always said that its not me, its them. Its not me, its the timing, its not me , its the distance. But if i was really worth it, wouldn't they brave through all that? Am i that miserable of a person? That i can't be on the receiving end of affection?

Time, distance, age... Bottom  line : i am not worth it. I am not worth the fight. One by one they move on so quickly. A week, 2 weeks, 3 weeks. While i am over here barely alive, putting on a plastic smile and walking a dead mans walk.

Someone just shoot me already would ya? Its better off if i was dead. That way, everyone's better off in a happier place.

This year... I refuse to let go. I refuse to leave. I refuse to be given excuses... Im tired of hearing them. This year and many more down the road, i'll holding on to the hope... That i one day i can get rid of the distance factor. That i can beat realism. That can beat the odds. That there is such thing as love. Even if it means loving you from afar.

My life moves on, my life continues. I continue to age, i continue going on. But my heart remains the same. And it will continue remaining the same. Battle is lost, time to regroup and win the war. Might've lost hope, reality might've caught up. But i'll will still strive to have my ever after.

P.S. I still love you

Comfessions of a heart broken bunny

Why its called untitled because i really dont knw what to call it. Wondering how everything could go wrong when everything was so right. Can't change the past, but i can change the future. 

I know its not there anymore. The connection that we used to have. On my side i keep telling myself to forget about it anymd move on. But the problem is i can't. I thank you for telling me, after all this while your little secret.

I didn't feel anything when you told me, i felt no sorrow, felt no pain, felt no agony, felt nothing. The only thought that was in my head was the thought is whether were you okay... I might be a distraught and unstable former lover but in still the same friend that cares.. Please don't kep everything in...

The feelings you had for me before is gone, there's nothing i can do about that. All i know is that i will be here waiting when you decide to come back. I'll try again next year, and the year after, i'll keep trying until hopefully one day. We can share what we shared before. It is not a war that we have lost, but its a stumbling block i believe.

The story about your friend that brike up moved away to start a new life but still came back to the same guy is still stuck in my head. I dont know if it'll happen or not. But i'll be working to that i guess..

You want me to be selfish. So i shall. There's no one i want more to be by my side asides from you. And it will cotinue to be that way until the day you get married. Maybe im disarrayed, maybe i'm psychotic. I may not be able to love you like those guys... But i do still have genuine feelings for you. If you ever want to, i'll be here waiting.. 

Till then, take care of yourself... You'll always be known to me as the bunny hopping in the meadow. Its in my song, hahaha will never forget that. Have a nice life.

P.S. I still love you

Back Into The Hole

Its dark..... There's no life... There's no feelings...There's no wind... There's no sunshine... 

Its cold..... Its pitiful.... It's emo. It's sadness.. Its lonliness...

Slowly crawling back into the sad hole in the ground from whence i came from...

Wake me up when the sun ever shines again..

The Wait

Today will be the starting of my very own adventure. It hurts to continue on but i must. I can't just stand idle here waiting for that day to come. No matter what i do i cannot change the fact this is happening. Was there something i did wrong? Was it the distance? Was it her? Most probably is neither of them. I guess we just needed the break i guess. Even on my side, there's multiple events and important things to be done this half end of the year.

I will miss the times i put a show, sing out of tune, wear atrociously and making hideous faces just to see that beautiful smile on her face. See her face that brightens up my day and night. The excitement of electricity that jolts through my veins whenever i see her reply my messages. The feeling of comfort even though we're 10,000 miles away. The comfort and warmth of her voice when i talk to her on the phone. The spunk, sarcasm and perkiness she puts into our conversations. I managed to derive many things from this.. Many flaws that i have that i still have to work on.

I can't be sure whether or not she will find someone else during the break, i don't know.. I'm still waiting for that something she's will think of later.. The one thing im afraid i guess from this break would be that she might find someone else.. The imagery's in my head of someone else but not me beside her. Never to feel that warmth, that smile, that hug, that kiss, that love again. But i trust her.. I trust that for the fact not because she's one of the best friend's I've ever had but for the fact I've been trusting her for years and for the fact i love her. My feelings are genuine, and they are real. I don't think i can fall for anyone else like i have fallen for her. And if she is the last person i fall for, i have no regrets.

When i see her and think of her now, i realized how much of myself i see in her.. The smile, the laugh, the determination, the strength, the clown in her, the sense of trust, and the open mindness that i have. Likewise, i see much of myself change as well. The care, the kind heartedness, the capability to handle workloads and stress as well as the continuation of pushing myself to strive for the best no matter how dumb i am.

If she ever doubts that i will never return for her, if she ever doubts that i will already with someone else, if she ever doubts that i will move on, if she ever doubts that i will forget her... I will wait, i will return, i will stay, and i will continue waiting for years till i'm capable to provide if i have to, to be with her. There's a plan in my head of what imma do, imma stick to it. :)

I'll be holding on the her words, i'll be holding on to that hope, i will be holding on to her. When the time is right.... I'll be holding on the the words you wrote on  your blog and the message you sent to me..

DO NOT THROW LAFFI AWAY. ehheheheh XD

Guess i'll  be here whenever you need me. :) Hope to hear from you soon............

P.s. I Love You & My Bunny Roars

Signed,
Carrot

Prolonged indefinite break

I think im gonna go on a indefinite break. Does that read my blog well, im going to take a break to find myself again. Cant keep emoing like this anymore..

Toodles peps

Over But Not The End

After days of confusion, of pain, of tears, of sleepless nights, of torture....
The burden is finally lifted of my shoulders.. It was the painful but yet eased feeling.
Feelings i have for you shall never die.
Was it because it was a wrong move? Wrong timing? Distance of 10,000 miles?
I don't know.. But i will continue loving you.. Till the day you say enough...
I know its hard, its painful to accept.. But i will always be there for you...
Always...

And you might think i would eventually forget, honestly speaking i dont think i can ever forget my feelings for you.

I love you, i'll be back next year.

Carrots and bunnies

Put a Smile On Your Face ( Optimistic)

Well, this past couple days i have been what i regard myself as the most emo-est kid in the world... I didn't know what to do. I had this pain in my heart that i couldn't control.. To make matters worst, it hurts unexpectedly and i don't know how to control it. Yesterday when i came home from school, the first thing i did was showered, ate then jump to bed to cry my eyes out. I was pretty pathetic and a real pussy you can say.

Today in school i was the same, it started in the morning driving to school and the first song that played Pink ft Nate Reuss - Just Give Me A Reason.... Great way to start the day huh? ... ><'''' so my whole day in school was terrible, i was a complete mess and my friends as much they tried to console my soul though i told them nothing of what has happened nor why i felt this way. But on the way home, as the radio was blaring a Justin Bieber song.. (Great another sober song) i thought to myself, way am i doing this to myself? I tell people all the time but i have never practiced it.. Behind every dark cloud there's a beautiful rainbow. As much as i yearn that rainbow would be the same rainbow i come to know and love.. I have to keep pushing forward and be optimistic.

I have to have faith, and believe, and trust, that my rainbow would come back to me.. Though in my heart i know thats the only rainbow i want, i must continue pushing on.. A friend of mind told me this.. 'Jarrett, there's nothing much you can do but tank through this period of time'. Honestly, even when playing Dota or LoL, i am definitely not a tanker... I need support to back me up, to push through the lanes. Thank god i have one or two friends willing to support me through my time of need. Though they don't know what going on, nor do they know why im acting like this.. But i believe,trust, and hope that my bunny will return back to me.. And this time, i would be different. I don't want this to happen again.. I want to make sure this time, i do change for the better. So this pain will never happen again.

So i decided that like 2 hours ago ont he way home, i will be stronger.. I will be persistent, i will be my happy go lucky self and have a break of my own and prioritize my life so when she returns, i will be ready. I made a promise 6 years ago to always try my best to put a smile on her face, no matter how i felt and how shitty i was. I failed to do so many times and i have failed to do it for this week. I'm not going to bother her and expect her to reply nor call.. I will just do my best to make her laugh or smile.. Cause thats what i want to do since the beginning.. I hope one day after the break, she would come back.. Cause i will always be waiting for her to return no matter how long it takes as long as she wants to, i'll be here... 3< BANZAI!!!

You might think im being a douche, living in denial or whatever.. But i know what i want to do. If it works or not i don't know. If she comes back or goes with another i still don't know. All i know is i love her and i will love her always... Always.. (She likes the colour red)

EEEEEEEeeeeeeeee!!!!!!!!! :DDDDDD

CUTE AIN'T HE? SMILEYS

Even the bulldog is smiling c'mon!

Carrots and Bunnies

Fingers crossed people!!!! 

Day one (no text, call)

I decided to stop texting or calling till well, till shes ready to text or call i guess,

To communicate with her, is the happiest moments of my days, right now, even the smallest hinch of knowing she'd reply or call me excites me.

I honour my promises and i guess i can start here.

Right now, life's a bitch to me. Loads of work, assignments, camps, so on so forth is coming my way. 

The shittiest part of my life now, is the inability to control my crying... Day, night, midnight, there was no way i could control it..

Day one - tears and pain

Crying

Every night im crying myself to sleep,

I cannot bear to hold it in,

Tears that burn red like crimson fire,

Roll down my cheeks tonight..

Memories that flood my mind,

The feelings i had inside,

Holding on never letting go,

I love you so, i love you so.

Only Heaven Knows

You can say this song has been and is my theme song for the past few days and months to come... It really relates to my situation now and everyone time i hear this song, it really makes me cry. I know im stupid for listening to songs that can effect my emotions but i don't know where else to drown my sorrows in.. Its a lonely road for me right now. And hopefully there's a happy ending for me in the end.

So without further adieu, ladies and gentleman, Rick Price,

Heaven Knows - Rick Price

Maybe my love will come back someday, Only heaven knows.....

Whats in my heart

In my heart, many things wander,

So many things lurk in the darkness,

Yet so many out in the light,

Wondering what i would do in life.

Path i have planned is already there,

Needing only to follow it and finish,

All i need is 1/2 year in highschool,

3 years in university for a degree.

Its so close yet so far,

I wish time moved faster so it'd be done,

To go to university so i have no worries,

So that i can walk with you freely.

When will you come back?,

When will you return?,

When can i hold you close again?,

When will i see you again?

I promise to be good,

I promise i won't disappoint,

I  promise not cling on you,

Like a koala to a tree.

It took some time but now i understand,

I know what i should do now,

Give me a 2nd chance to show it,

Give me a 2nd chance to change it.

My life is my life and your life is yours,

I will govern my life and make it my own,

I want you not to be my life but walk with me,

Would you let me?

Carrots and bunnies in a meadow

Endless Love

This song has always been a favourite to me i guess. Ever since i heard the song while watching the movie "The Myth". this song has always played in my heart and head whenever i think about a certain thing. So yeah, not only is the singing beautiful, the movie pleasantly touching and the melody of the song catchy; the lyrics of the song really touched my heart and until now it has become the theme song of my defintion of love. So enjoy. :) cause it definitely moves my heart and brings me to tears whenever thoughts and memories of Her play in my head eventhough our memories are little, it will play forever. And for those who wants to know what it means, here it is :)

THE MYTH - Endless Love

http://lyricstranslate.com

(Jackie Chan)
Undo the most mysterious wait of mine
The stars are falling, wind is blowing
Finally, once again you are in the embrace of my arms
Our two hearts tremble
Believe in my unwavering sincerity
A thousand years of wait, you have my promise
No matter how much winter has passed
I will never let you go

(Kim Hee-Seon)
Now tightly hold my hands, and close your eyes
Please think about the times when we were deeply in love
We loved each other too much
That is why we have been in such pain
We cannot even say the words "I love you" to each other

(Jackie)
Every night is pierced through by heartbreaks
There is no end to my longing
I've gotten used to lonely meetings
I face it with a smile
Believe me, you chose to wait
No matter how tough it is, there is no hiding
Only your gentleness can save me from
The eternal coldness

(Kim Hee-Seon)
Now tightly hold my hands, and close your eyes
Please think about the times when we were deeply in love
We loved each other too much
That is why we have been in such pain
We cannot even say the words "I love you" to each other

(Jackie & Kim Hee-Seon)
Let love become for us
Flowers that bloom forever
Pass through the time warp without yielding nor without giving up our dreams

(Kim Hee-Seon)
We loved each other too much
That is why we have been in such pain
We cannot even say the words "I love you" to each other

(Jackie & Kim Hee-Seon)
Let love become for us
Flowers that bloom forever

(Kim Hee-Seon)
Together we travel through the endless space and time

(Jackie & Kim Hee-Seon)
Only true love will follow us
Pass through endless time space

(Kim Hee-Seon)
We cannot even say the words "I love you" to each other

(Jackie)
Love is the only beautiful legend that never changes in our hearts

3rd semester (STPM)

Well, i'm back in school again. And i am 19.. Yeaay.... >< anywho. Holidays have ended and yeah, school has begun. Started out pretty well with a small grin on my face while driving to school.

Reaching school and studying was pretty normal. I studied a lil before hand so il pretty good. But after recess was hell. I had this horrible feeling in my gut and throat that i wanted to throw up. Then i had a dizziness in my head and next thing you knw, i was knocked out. I had no idea what happened honestly..

Waking up from my seemingly so called unconsicousness, i was feeling way better. I blamed the food though >< 

Anyways, i'm happy with the end of my holidays cause i was clear of mind with knowing whats gonna happen and happy as well that the carrot still has its bunny together. But i understand what i must do and i do promise that i shall not call you unless you call me for now cause i don't wanna be a disturbance and to be a better person, a good boy. XD

Anywho, tomorrow is gonna be a scary thought as well because my teacher chose me to become the m.c. or master of ceremonies for a talk tomorrow. Shaking in my boots now cause i have never m.c.ed for anything! So fingers crossed. Wells, back home now. So yeah. Till the next time i blog. Been blogging a whole lot recently tho. ><

Officially worst holiday ever

Fuck holidays, fuck my mouth, fuck life...

Wordt holiday ever.. Shitzzz 

Asdfghjkl152)/&::";,!,@!!!!!

I love you my little bunny

She was the light in my darkness,

She was the joy in my sadness,

She was the sun to my sky,

She was the bunny to my carrot.

I will never forget the first time we met,

Will never forget the times we had,

Shall forever cherish whatever you said,

And all the gifts you sent.

As much as i love you,

I couldn't bear it anymore. Seeing you unhappy.

All i want was for you to be happy.

I regret for what i did today cause i miss you dearly.

I love you with everything i got,

I love you my little bunny.

The tears that roll from my cheeks to my pillow,

The tears that splutters on my guitar,

The pain i had to endure when u said no,

But yet i was relieved.

I was relieved that theres a possibility of happiness for you.

I respect that you made your decision.

Oh god i miss you so..

I'll be waiting for that day, for you to come back

Even when theres a big possibility u will never return,

I am willing to wait and pray for my chapter to continue.

If you ever do decide to come back,

You know that i will return to you.

But if you found someone else,

You know i will support you always and forever more.

The love i have for you is never ending, as well as everlasting.

My dear bunny, my sweet sweet bunny,

I will wait for the day, the 6th of june 2014 with eagerness,

At the same time preparations in case it does not go well,

Don't think about what i will think nor what i will feel.

Think about your happiness and your life

This one year i shall wait, or if you want back, even nearer.

So all i can do is wait. Calender marked, time set.

I love you my sweet bunny. Your carrots loves you.

Whatever your decision you make, i shall abide.

Thank you for the days and time you spent this while year,

Thank you for showing me true love.

Thank you for letting me love you.

I dont know if its a break or the end for us,

But i will cherish our memories dearly.

Thank you my bunny, my baby, my boo, my best friend

Have you ever seen a bunny without a carrot? - annonymous

Happiness (wanna make you feel wanted)

All i ever wanted to do,

Was to make you happy,

All i wanted to do,

To never see you cry.

Never see a tear,

On that beautiful face,

No stress nor fear,

No pain nor burden.

I try my best,

And i still do,

Is there any way,

To comfort my boo?

Songs and videos,

Are temporary solutions,

Love and care,

Are permanent replacements.

Boo oh boo,

I love you so,

I still trust you,

With my heart and soul.

Let me help you,

With the burden you carry,

Just let it all go,

Just throw it and bury.

For far too long,

You have kept it inside,

Time to let it out,

And just be happy.

Forget the reality,

Forget about stress,

Take my hand my dear,

And dream with me.

You know i will care for you,

You know i will be true,

Cause i have only one girl i love,

And that girl is you.

My bunny, my boo,

My baby, sweety,

Forget about the worries,

And turn your head aside.

Forget the reality,

Forget. About the stress,

Take my hand my dear,

And dream with me.

Im sorry if i was foolish,

Im sorry if i took you for granted,

Im sorry for being sticky,

Im sorry for being a bastard.

Few years down the road,

Further down the path,

I will show you,

The man you love.

I want to be that man,

I want to love you,

Baby let me do so,

Baby let me be true.

You won't regret it,

No, no you won't,

Forever will that smile,

Be on that face.

Everyday you will feel loved,

Everyday you will feel cared for,

Everyday you will feel special,

Everyday you will feel wanted.

This is my promise to you,

You i will never leave,

Let me love you,

And make you feel wanted.

Burdens, pain, stress,

Hurt, lonliness, sad,

Cast it aside,

And be free

You will be free.

You will my baby.

3< 

Let me love you, i will love you, until you learn, to love yourself. - NeYo

Mindless, close to heartless

In my head, there is nothing....
In my mind, there is emptiness,
In my eyes, there is blindness,
In my ears, deafness,
In my mouth, wordless,
In my hands, strengthless,
In my chest, beatless,
In my legs, weakness,
In my heart, Love... Only love...
Don't say goodbye... Don't say farewell.
But if you have to, say it... Say it and kill me...
Cause my heart only has enough for you.
There will be no one else...
All i have now, is the youtube songs in my head...
To fill my heads emptiness because i don't know what to do anymore...
Please prove me wrong...
Please prove to me that love still exist..
That this last time, what Ted Mosby from HIMYM believes in,
There is that one in a million person for me
And it would be you...

I don't want to disappear... I don't want to go... Don't make me... Please..

Holidays

Its been a very long time since i typed anything worth reading or anything that actually expresses my thoughts and feelings. So im gonna do that today.

First of, my exams were so bloody crudy.. If i dont know better i would say this semester exams papers are the shittiest of shit. I knew tons of mistakes i've made in the exams and honestly i truly regret that i did not prepare properly for the test.

Secondly, the holidays have been very kind. I have no plans whatsoever to go anywhere or any prior engagements. (except the last minute planning that my mum constantly makes ><''') I have the time to do my notes, to study, to indulge myself into major sleep and nap times and finally socialising with church friends which has been so hard to do ever since i entered STPM.

Thirdly, the pros and cons of this month.. Im planning to get a whole loads of stuff for people this month due to the fact there's so many thing happening. On the 6th is a special day for me (wink) . 7th is my sisters birthday. 9th is the start of my 3rd sem. By this month i should be rostered in to the worship team. *Fingers Crossed* 22nd is my bunnies grad night. And finally this month would be my preparation for my MUET test which my teacher has put so much hopes and burdens on me to get a band 6 which in case you guys dont know is the highest grade you can get in the examination which is (many would say) almost impossible for anyone to get! Only those which proficiency in the English Language are worthy of that grade. I for one, am scared to my wits. 

Fourthly, the feelings and thoughts that come to mind.. Happiness, Joy, Determination, Love, Love, LOOOOVEEEE, Strength, Faith, Thankfulness and Hope. Cons would be JEALUOSY (this one i feel the most... T.T...), Stress, Anger, Annoyance, Grieve, Pain, Envy, and the feeling to not being able to fulfill anyone expectations as well as not being able to be there for the one i care for the most. These are feelings i feel almost every single month but this month would be greatly stressed due to the fact so many things are happening.

How i wish i was already in university studying my ass off to get my first paycheck. I've started saving like a crazy mogul for only 3 months now and i've ald summed up to RM300 which of course im going to buy a few things which i have ald been planning to buy since like.. FOREVER. 

So that is my holiday thoughts.. BLEGH..... Oh wells, anyways. Hope ya'll bloggers have a nice month now. cause i certainly hope they are nice to me T.T.....

I felt like i wanted to put pink..XD